When I say treats, I mean like if there was a giant pile of shit and I sifted through it, now and again I might find a few pieces of gold here and there. Anyway, lets get down to brass tacks, who is gonna smash the granny out of Reading? Here are my thoughts....
As GCSE results time is approaching, its inevitable that the festival will be ridden by newly qualified tweens. Sadly this means that the christian crust outfit Paramore will gather a large crowd and the band might convince themselves that they are loved in the UK - this cannot happen. However, this could also mean that the little kids might have rifled through their moms punk pop stash and might feel a little bad ass when Weezer and Blink come on.
"hey yo, how do you know all the wordz to these Blink songs?"
"my mom was a mad fan in her youth"
I kinda feel old thinking about bands that are playing Reading that I used to listen to when I was 14. Here's my nostalgic band run down:
6. Guns N Roses
I briefly liked Guns N Roses when I was about 13 and soon learnt to hate them. Axel Roses' Bigotted lyrics that included attacks on African Americans was an interesting point in their career seeing as guitarist Slash is half black. This may have been the reason I started disliking them, or maybe it was because THEY'RE A MASSIVE PILE OF CHEESY WANK. I would maybe perhaps watch them at the mash potato stand whilst munching down on some over priced but delicious mash and sausage but I certainly wouldn't venture into the crowd.
5.Cypress Hill
I quite liked Cypress Hill until they jumped on the rap metal band wagon. I would definitely watch though however, just for their stoner classic 'hits from the bong'. I would probably blaze a fatty at this point whilst doing some bad boy early 90s hip hop dancing.
4. Limp Bizkit
Upon buying the multi platinum selling 'chocolate starfish and the hot dog flavoured water' I was like "yo, just cos I like rock music doesn't mean I'm a pussy" and it went from there really. At the time, I thought the Limp Bizkit were the bees knees, I couldn't get enough of their rap metal vibes. A pivotal moment in my early years was buying a red Major League Baseball hat and wearing it back to front. At a Christian retreat that are lame Roman Catholic school made us go to, a friend and I performed Rollin' which, of course, included the dance moves. The live act should be a trip down a lane of Rapcore memories. I just hope women aren't raped like at their legendary show at Woodstock in 1999. Maybe these bros will show up:
3.The Libertines
This is a little bit after my early teens. I think was 15 when I started listening to them. Lets be honest, they were a breath of fresh air when they first came out. However, after witnessing what the neeks have done to the band in 'indie clubz', I can only imagine that The Libertines' set will be an absolute lad fest. Picture the scene: Fred perry polo tops, hair gelled to foreheads/ The Paul weller/ The Ian Brown and not to mention pints being thrown all over the shop like they've forgotten that they've paid a fiver for them. Having said this, the band were famed for their live performances so maybe they'll put on a cracking show. And lets not forget drummer Gary Powell is from big bad Birmingham.
OH HI NEEK
2. Weezer: I have to say they are a band who will always have a place in my emo heart. They were the original pop emo act. The Green album and Pinkerton, in my eyes, are definite classics that moved me on to the sweet sounds of such bands as Pavement. The problem that lies here is that they're new stuff has gone from worse to naff but if Rivers Cuomo is being ironic then I'll definitely believe/forgive him. If the band stay heavy on their pre pinkerton and light on anything after, they will blow the place apart.
1. Blink 182
The band that turned me on to guitar driven music. Well, I forget whether it was them or The Offspring but for a few years, they were a big part in my life. I assume they've been practising hard for their comeback shows with Travis Barker keeping them in check and lets hope Tom Delonge has left his pedal board that he used for Angels and Airwaves at home and if so, they should be an absolute treat in terms of nostalgia. The Weezer/Blink combo meal is enough to give any Alt Bro a sentimental boner but its such a shame that my bros will have to stand through an hour of Paramore. I feel for you guys, especially this chick:
She just wants to rock out to some punk pop vibes and doesn't want any weak Paramore shit thrust at her.
Now you've know the score, here are The official Jam Rags bands to look out for this following weekend:
Modest Mouse - Obvs
LCD Soundsystem - Clashes with GnR. LOL
Girls - Absolutely delicious beach pop vibes coming straight from San Fran.
Harlem - Again some nice surfy pop licks to throw down a mad chill to.
Wild Beasts - Yeh, you heard right a good band that come from Cumbria! Has to be seen to be believed.
Surfer Blood - Surfy delights with a lot of reverb. OK, sounds good, why not?
Four Tet - I don't really have to say why you should see him. If you don't wanna see him you may as well shove your head in a toilet.
Fools Gold - Some nice Afrobeat influenced tunes.
Phoenix - French pop is usually on point
Angelos Epithemious - not a singer or a band but you must be craving to know what is in his bag, the bastard.
Not to mention The ARCADE FIREs who are bound to blow all of the crowd's balls off with their epic sounds.
ALSO, here are some Neek hotspots to steer clear of:
Dizzee Rascal
Im starting to wonder what Dizzee Rascal wont do for some money. He is now part of an X Factor clone called 'Must be the Music' and judges hopefuls alongside Elfman Jamie Cullum and surely soon to come out of the closet, Sharleen Spiteri of Texas fame. After he joined forces with Calvin Harris I knew things weren't gonna get any better. He also seems to attract posh neeks who are like 'yar, I love dizzee, he's like so safe." VOM
Mumford and Sons
The Watered down indie folk is making its way to Reading and with it, neeks will flock. I'm guessing this will also be a tween hotspot cos Marcus Mumford is like so hot with his sweet tash and earnest lyrics. The lads will also make an appearance as they've found something that they can sing along to whilst holding a premium lager - a bit like an folk oasis.
Klaxons
Honestly, what self respecting person would choose Klaxons over Blink? Seriously, who's still vibing to 'nu rave?'. NEEKS is the only answer I could come up with.
Hadouken!
LOL is all I can say. What the fuck are they still doing on a line ups? Surely people have learnt their lesson when they've jokingly put them on at a party and was pelted with shit. Unless you are going to the main stage to pelt the band with shit, then there really shouldn't be anyone there. If there is anyone actually there to see them, then they need to be pelted with shit.
Rusko
"Yeh man I'm so into Dubstep, Its so sick." (in a Surrey accent). The neeks love him because they're four years behind in any type of music. Avoid at all costs unless you like generic shite beatz.
Marina and the Diamonds
Really? Do we need ANOTHER shit female indie act? We were given Flo Flo and that was enough. Then we were handed La Roux, Ellie Goulding and now Marina and the Diamonds. Awful and Cringe-worthy are the two adjectives I would use to describe their act. Seriously, where the fuck is Best Coast at? We need Bethany to teach those bitches how to roll.
So there you have it: the Jam Rags guide to Reading Festival.
Remember to throw down a mad chill as much as possible, don't trample over the tweens on your way to Weezer/Blink and avoid a neek bashing when you're spouting hurtful things about the band 'One Night Only'.
Another classic.
ReplyDeletelol @ enduring hadouken hate.