There comes a time in a individual's life when one must conduct oneself's manner where it will be beneficial to a group. I believe John Stuart Mill touched upon this when he sorta came up with Utilitarianism. However, not even Mill could have foreseen the horror that is the recently released Sci Fi non epic, ‘Splice’.
The initial plan was to see Toy Story 3. The first two were sweet and the final would pretty much round up my adolescence and allow me to begin my progression into manhood. However a member of the party had already seen it and begged us not to go. Being the kind hearted bro I am. I decided to give him the benefit of the doubt as Academy Award winner Adrien “awesome nose” Brody was in it. How bad could this film be?
In short: fuckin’ shit.
I waltzed into the cinema with a tray of nachos and an air of appreciation for Brody’s contribution to The Darjeeling Limited. As always the Cineworld staff seemed to be a bit unrelentingly tight-fisted with the amount of salsa that they administered. On any other night that would be a bad thing. However the opening scene consisted of a large organism that wriggled around like an autonomous ball bag. The beast named ‘Ginger’ then began to commence some bizarre courtship with it’s male equivalent - I should have known this film was not gonna be nacho friendly.
These organisms had been spliced together from different types of animal DNA. Hence the title. LOL. The culprits playing God here are allegedly supposed to be rockstar scientists and are more then just some crusty bio-chemists that examine sheep shit. So cool, in fact, they feature on the front cover of ‘Wired’ magazine and Brody, who surprisingly plays the lead male scientist, wears sweet indie waist-coasts, plays cheese metal in his lab and occasionally gives the ‘horn’ gesture to his other rock’n’roll lovin’ colleagues. All this sounds pretty rad? Sure, maybe ten years ago when I liked Limp Bizkit.
The film descends into madness from here on in. The female lead, played by a budget Julianne Moore, uses her own DNA (illegally) and splices it with other animals to create a super organism. The claim is it could benefit the human race and end diseases. After a while, the creature begins to look more and more human if you ignore the Minotaur style bottom half, the far apart and bulbous eyes, long tail that has a sharp prick that protrudes from the end and of course, wings. Following that a sexual tension begins to develop between her and Brody but he wouldn’t ever agree to a sex scene with an adolescent CGI creature, surely?
Oh gosh, yes he does. Probably one of the most horrific scenes put to screen by man.
Presumably, at the glitzy premier, Brody brought with him his salary that he earnt to ‘act’ in Splice in a snazzy briefcase and counted his cash during the film so he didn’t have to witness the horror of what his career has become. I think he probably sped up his number crunching during the pivotal sex scene through a wincing face.
The best moment of the film is of course when he obviously gets caught by his lover/scientific partner: the smart price version of Julianne Moore. Seeing as her DNA is in the creature, he could have at least said that he was attracted to that side of the animal but really, deep down, she knows he just really wanted to bone a bald chick.
I will not spoil the ending as the ending spoils itself. Download it for a laugh, do not pay for it. If ever there is a discrepancy over seeing a sweet Pixar film involving toys that come alive with jovial consequences and some freaky half baked, badly acted Sci Fi cheesefest, I like to think most would make the right judgement.
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