Un-joyous News: English Defence League run amok in Leicester

The centre right may have caused discontent across the country, this week, after they announced a set of ridiculous spending cuts at their conference in Birmingham, but today the far right tragically succeeded in doing what they love best. This was of course pretending that it was match day which entailed: getting pissed whilst being as anti social as possible and of course, shouting racist chants to the tune of their favourite football club's anthems. In their loutish minds, they have been the victors today which worries me somewhat as their numbers are increasing and they seem to be getting more organised.

Usually a load of unchill racists wouldn't be awarded my attention but, on the streets of the city that brought you Walkers (in every colour, flavour and creed I might add which makes me totally sure that Walkers' ideologies are not synonymous with those of the EDL), the bigoted anti-Islam group were a thousand strong. Due to this high number of rampant misfits, the BBC noted that today held the record for the "biggest police operation in the country for 25 years".

Within hours, videos of the event began sprouting up on You Tube with many showing violence that ensued which included rocks, debris and smoke bombs being thrown at the police, footage of a SKY News van being primitively attacked, Asian youths being singled out and attacked by pockets of EDL members but most shockingly, the police driving away from areas that required assistance.

The following video involves the leader of the EDL delivering a preposterous speech at today's demo whereby he asserts that if a pregnant woman committed a crime, she wouldn't be arrested if she happened to be Muslim.

It's amusing that in the video the EDL's leader, Tommy Robinson, swiftly makes his illogical and unfounded point about pregnant Muslim women whilst avoiding the fact that his stupid pregnant wife committed a cheeky bit of money laundering, which to my knowledge is a crime, and was presumptively the reason why she was arrested. I would also like to note that I found that video after stupidly misspelling the word 'Leicester'. Oh yes, and it wasn't just one EDL video that had misspelled the name of the multicultural haven that is Leicester, there were loads - all with that particular spelling mistake. I mean sure, yes, I did spell it wrong myself, but at the time my attention was taken away from the computer screen as I was too busy getting blown away by Wagner's breathtakingly majestic performance of Ricky Martin's She Bangs on the X Factor. It's a Saturday for fucks sake.

The EDL are probably celebrating their 'victory' tonight with lashings of lager and, as comic Stewart Lee would assert, probably blaming the steadily increasing prices of Stella Artois somehow on Muslims and probably the queue for the toilet was their fault too... and maybe also the reason why the barmaid's in the pub wont take part in their attempted assimilation of their top five least favoured ethnicities which are backed up by out of date stereotypes that even your grandma doesn't believe any more.

However, if there's one thing to be said about the EDL, they know how to utilize Window's Moviemaker (the free one with every windows computer):

The madness of the EDL's demonstrations may be over for a while and hopefully peace has been restored to the crisp munchers of Leicester. I think if I was trying to get over the troubles that badgered the city today, I'd be in a bit of a Smoky Bacon mood right now. Y'know something a bit stronger then a standard Cheese and Onion or Ready Salted to take the edge off. Having said this, I suppose, if one were trying to make a point, one might even be so bold as to showing that the EDL turning up to their town hasn't effected them by going for cool bag of Prawn Cocktail. Yeh, you heard right English Defence league, a grab size bag of Prawn Cocktail. As for me, I dont give a fuck, I'd fucking yam down on some Worcester sauce flavoured French Fries (also made by the Walkers company) and I'd chew them up right in front of their expressionless faces.

But if we can be serious for a moment, the recent ties with America's equivalent organizations are a definite concern at the moment; the more cautious racist group known as the Tea party could be a strong asset to the EDL as they might teach our Brit extremists ways of concealing their overt far right stance, perhaps by showing them the art of masking language to be more subtly racist as opposed to their outright bigotry.

Going by what was on show today, its clear that the EDL are starting to get a bit more serious about being racist and thuggish. As labour MP Jon Cruddas noted in The Guardian this evening:

"The right has become very organised; it is time for those of us who believe in a decent progressive society to do the same".

Amen, bro.

Film Review: The Town

In 2007, I finally forgave Ben Affleck for his contribution to the special effects driven shitfest that was Michael Bay's Pearl Harbour. Why you ask? Well, because he directed one of the best films of that year, Gone Baby Gone - a film that not only raised a lot of moral predicaments within my mind but also showcased Ben's bro, Casey, who seemed like he was capable of big things in the acting world. If we fast forward to present day, this time Affleck has placed himself in the lead role of his latest directing effort in the form of a heist thriller set in his hometown, Boston.

From its inception, the viewer is dropped right in the middle of four seemingly expert bank robbers fronted by Doug McCray (Affleck). In a mad panic, the group take bank manager Claire Keesey (Rebecca Hall) hostage, leaving her unharmed on a pebbly beach. Problems arise when McCray falls for Keesey after he is told to keep a watchful eye on her, seeing as she unluckily happens to live in the same neighbourhood as the robbers. As romance blossoms, the life of crime that McCray is so used to is put into question. However, moving on isn't so easy as his menacing boss, who is masquerading as a local florist, Fergie Colm (Pete Postlethwaite) wants him to pull off one last big job or else he and his new beau will be whacked.

What I enjoy about Ben Affleck now is that he has come to live by a very simple rule: write about what you know. Of course, I'm not insinuating that Affleck has taken part in bank robberies and is a straight up Boston thug, but the guy understands his former community well, which adds a much needed dash of realism to twenty-first century film making. This must have aided his actors such as Jeremy Renner from the magnificent Hurt Locker as a ruthless member of a bank robbing team who pulls off a convincing Boston slur with great ease. Alongside this, Affleck's knowledge of the layout and scenery of the city has allowed him to create amazing set pieces of fast paced action as well as complimenting this with exposing the uniqueness of the place he grew up in with beautiful shots and aerial camera sweeps which were also very much evident in his debut feature.

The Town may not have the emotional and ethical depth of Gone Baby Gone but it is a solid thriller set in a location that obviously means a great deal to Affleck. Because of this, he brings out the vibrancy of Boston which, I hope, will make Boston a new optional location for film-makers instead of the obvious New York or LA settings. And if you don't agree, you can, as many Bostonians would say, "go fuck yourself".

Film Review: The Room

In 2003, a man named Tommy Wiseau managed to accumulate six million dollars (which wikipedia alleges that was gathered from selling leather jackets that he had imported from South Korea) and with this, managed to produce, direct, write and star in the modern cult drama 'The Room'. However, this film did not gain a following in the same way the brilliant Kevin Smith's Clerks or Harmony Korine's Kids managed to. It was because it was that it is so inextricably bad that it has been referred to as the "Citizen Kane of bad movies".

It is obvious that Wiseau made The Room in an effort to showcase his err acting ability which is so poor makes Nicholas Cage's contribution to the remake of The Wicker Man Oscar worthy. Any scene that includes Wiseau open his mouth is absolutely hysterical and what makes the film all the more hilarious is how unaware Wiseau is of this fact. In an interview he was asked what he thought about people finding his attempted melodrama so humorous and alleged that he meant for it to be a "black comedy." However a black comedy implies a comedy that addresses taboo or uncomfortable subjects with an underlying satirical tone which is definitely not what is presented to the audience in The Room.

The following scene is an awesome example of a Wiseau's acting calibre:

The film has amassed fans in Hollywood such as Jonah Hill, 30 Rock bad-boy Alec Baldwin and even Pixies front-man Frank Black with reports that many stars enjoy acting out scenes from the film such as:

The film even without Wiseau's acting is a complete and utter mess. Many issues are raised and never addressed again such as a character revealing she has breast cancer without another mention of it during the remaining picture. In a similar vein, a new character is introduced twenty minutes before the sensational denouement and, even though seems to be the voice of reason, isn't even awarded a name. Wiseau's screenplay, too, is so amazingly bad that at times that the utterances make no sense whatsoever and the characters always start conversations with the iconic line "Oh Hi". Adding to this, a lot of the film is heavily dubbed.

Here's a prime example:

(this is perhaps the best thing ever put to screen)

If you haven't heard of The Room, you are seriously missing out. In LA, it is a cult sensation with special midnight screening's every month in the city which are always sold out. The only thing you should be doing right now is downloading it, then watching it and then getting a petition together to get it played in your local cinema because you will love it so much.

In short: you HAVE to see this film.

"Oh Hi! Tommy Wiseau"

Unsubstantiated Views: The Jam Rags guide to Reading Festival

As many people get ready to set off for Reading (and to a lamer extent Leeds), the thoughts of most music lovers should be of who will be this years victor at the festival. V Festival, which managed to cram as much shit artists into one place as possible, has ended and the final landmark UK festival is soon approaching and to be honest, it has some possible treats.

When I say treats, I mean like if there was a giant pile of shit and I sifted through it, now and again I might find a few pieces of gold here and there. Anyway, lets get down to brass tacks, who is gonna smash the granny out of Reading? Here are my thoughts....

As GCSE results time is approaching, its inevitable that the festival will be ridden by newly qualified tweens. Sadly this means that the christian crust outfit Paramore will gather a large crowd and the band might convince themselves that they are loved in the UK - this cannot happen. However, this could also mean that the little kids might have rifled through their moms punk pop stash and might feel a little bad ass when Weezer and Blink come on.

"hey yo, how do you know all the wordz to these Blink songs?"

"my mom was a mad fan in her youth"

I kinda feel old thinking about bands that are playing Reading that I used to listen to when I was 14. Here's my nostalgic band run down:

6. Guns N Roses

I briefly liked Guns N Roses when I was about 13 and soon learnt to hate them. Axel Roses' Bigotted lyrics that included attacks on African Americans was an interesting point in their career seeing as guitarist Slash is half black. This may have been the reason I started disliking them, or maybe it was because THEY'RE A MASSIVE PILE OF CHEESY WANK. I would maybe perhaps watch them at the mash potato stand whilst munching down on some over priced but delicious mash and sausage but I certainly wouldn't venture into the crowd.

5.Cypress Hill

I quite liked Cypress Hill until they jumped on the rap metal band wagon. I would definitely watch though however, just for their stoner classic 'hits from the bong'. I would probably blaze a fatty at this point whilst doing some bad boy early 90s hip hop dancing.

4. Limp Bizkit

Upon buying the multi platinum selling 'chocolate starfish and the hot dog flavoured water' I was like "yo, just cos I like rock music doesn't mean I'm a pussy" and it went from there really. At the time, I thought the Limp Bizkit were the bees knees, I couldn't get enough of their rap metal vibes. A pivotal moment in my early years was buying a red Major League Baseball hat and wearing it back to front. At a Christian retreat that are lame Roman Catholic school made us go to, a friend and I performed Rollin' which, of course, included the dance moves. The live act should be a trip down a lane of Rapcore memories. I just hope women aren't raped like at their legendary show at Woodstock in 1999. Maybe these bros will show up:

3.The Libertines

This is a little bit after my early teens. I think was 15 when I started listening to them. Lets be honest, they were a breath of fresh air when they first came out. However, after witnessing what the neeks have done to the band in 'indie clubz', I can only imagine that The Libertines' set will be an absolute lad fest. Picture the scene: Fred perry polo tops, hair gelled to foreheads/ The Paul weller/ The Ian Brown and not to mention pints being thrown all over the shop like they've forgotten that they've paid a fiver for them. Having said this, the band were famed for their live performances so maybe they'll put on a cracking show. And lets not forget drummer Gary Powell is from big bad Birmingham.

OH HI NEEK

2. Weezer: I have to say they are a band who will always have a place in my emo heart. They were the original pop emo act. The Green album and Pinkerton, in my eyes, are definite classics that moved me on to the sweet sounds of such bands as Pavement. The problem that lies here is that they're new stuff has gone from worse to naff but if Rivers Cuomo is being ironic then I'll definitely believe/forgive him. If the band stay heavy on their pre pinkerton and light on anything after, they will blow the place apart.

1. Blink 182

The band that turned me on to guitar driven music. Well, I forget whether it was them or The Offspring but for a few years, they were a big part in my life. I assume they've been practising hard for their comeback shows with Travis Barker keeping them in check and lets hope Tom Delonge has left his pedal board that he used for Angels and Airwaves at home and if so, they should be an absolute treat in terms of nostalgia. The Weezer/Blink combo meal is enough to give any Alt Bro a sentimental boner but its such a shame that my bros will have to stand through an hour of Paramore. I feel for you guys, especially this chick:

She just wants to rock out to some punk pop vibes and doesn't want any weak Paramore shit thrust at her.

Now you've know the score, here are The official Jam Rags bands to look out for this following weekend:

Modest Mouse - Obvs

LCD Soundsystem - Clashes with GnR. LOL

Girls - Absolutely delicious beach pop vibes coming straight from San Fran.

Harlem - Again some nice surfy pop licks to throw down a mad chill to.

Wild Beasts - Yeh, you heard right a good band that come from Cumbria! Has to be seen to be believed.

Surfer Blood - Surfy delights with a lot of reverb. OK, sounds good, why not?

Four Tet - I don't really have to say why you should see him. If you don't wanna see him you may as well shove your head in a toilet.

Fools Gold - Some nice Afrobeat influenced tunes.

Phoenix - French pop is usually on point

Angelos Epithemious - not a singer or a band but you must be craving to know what is in his bag, the bastard.

Not to mention The ARCADE FIREs who are bound to blow all of the crowd's balls off with their epic sounds.

ALSO, here are some Neek hotspots to steer clear of:

Dizzee Rascal

Im starting to wonder what Dizzee Rascal wont do for some money. He is now part of an X Factor clone called 'Must be the Music' and judges hopefuls alongside Elfman Jamie Cullum and surely soon to come out of the closet, Sharleen Spiteri of Texas fame. After he joined forces with Calvin Harris I knew things weren't gonna get any better. He also seems to attract posh neeks who are like 'yar, I love dizzee, he's like so safe." VOM

Mumford and Sons

The Watered down indie folk is making its way to Reading and with it, neeks will flock. I'm guessing this will also be a tween hotspot cos Marcus Mumford is like so hot with his sweet tash and earnest lyrics. The lads will also make an appearance as they've found something that they can sing along to whilst holding a premium lager - a bit like an folk oasis.

Klaxons

Honestly, what self respecting person would choose Klaxons over Blink? Seriously, who's still vibing to 'nu rave?'. NEEKS is the only answer I could come up with.

Hadouken!

LOL is all I can say. What the fuck are they still doing on a line ups? Surely people have learnt their lesson when they've jokingly put them on at a party and was pelted with shit. Unless you are going to the main stage to pelt the band with shit, then there really shouldn't be anyone there. If there is anyone actually there to see them, then they need to be pelted with shit.

Rusko

"Yeh man I'm so into Dubstep, Its so sick." (in a Surrey accent). The neeks love him because they're four years behind in any type of music. Avoid at all costs unless you like generic shite beatz.

Marina and the Diamonds

Really? Do we need ANOTHER shit female indie act? We were given Flo Flo and that was enough. Then we were handed La Roux, Ellie Goulding and now Marina and the Diamonds. Awful and Cringe-worthy are the two adjectives I would use to describe their act. Seriously, where the fuck is Best Coast at? We need Bethany to teach those bitches how to roll.

So there you have it: the Jam Rags guide to Reading Festival.

Remember to throw down a mad chill as much as possible, don't trample over the tweens on your way to Weezer/Blink and avoid a neek bashing when you're spouting hurtful things about the band 'One Night Only'.

Music Review: Arcade Fire

It's probably not the best idea reviewing a live act that I watched on my computer. However upon finding out that Arcade Fire were transmitting a live broadcast which would include tracks from their new album "The Suburbs", I thought it best that I throw down the chill and watch it in bed. Another factor that made it essential viewing was that my boy Terry Gilliam was directed the concert. How could I resist?

The show started at about 3.15 am GMT which wasn't perfect for us Anglais bros but hey, I was awake so I'm not complaining. The band kicked in the with, their soon to be universally adored, 'Ready To Start' which I'm not gonna lie, blew my ballsac off. Arcade Fire were literally in flames and brimming with energy. After a cheeky safety number with Neighbourhood#2 (Laika), lead singer Win Butler kinda made feel a bit sad as he said to the crowd, "lets show them what they're fucking missing" which he made in reference to all the cyber bros watching in their pants.

The band then continued to burst through tracks from their earlier albums which were interspersed with flourishes of their latest. The stand out track of the night could arguably be "Rococo" which created a chill atmosphere amongst the audience who stood enamoured. The Quebecian outfit (which explains why that crazy (unchill) lady sings sometimes in French) ended the night on the colossal 'Wake Up". The irony was not lost on me as after this finished, I fell to sleep.

Here's a taste of what you missed:

TV Review: Poochinski

There comes a time when oneself acknowledges ultimate brilliance and creativity. Yesterday I witnessed a trailer for a Pilot show that never made it onto our screens. From what I saw of the show, entitled "poochinski", it displayed raw emotion in dealing with the show's avant garde scenario and also touching humour. In addition it delivered the best lines of script ever written for any screenplay put on television:

"You're a dog!"

"I'm a cop!"

Just watch this in all its awe inspiring brilliance:

News Update: You can watch the pilot in all its entirety on youtube!

Joyous News: Neil Buchanan Returns!

In 2009, a band named Marseilles revealed they were to reform and were working on new material. This would be the moment that changed the lives of the nation forever. Unbeknown to the millions who watched him on the hit BBC Children's show Art Attack, it later became clear that its former host Neil "badass" Buchanan was the lead axeman for the band.

He went from this:

To this:

I do find it a bid odd though that they are named after a cultured south eastern city of France. Anyway, all the information you need about Neil and his super cool and in no way LAME band is right here:

I like how the lead singer thinks the band are here to see him even though they're blates there to chant

THIS IS AN ART ATTACK

THIS IS AN ART ATTACK

THIS

IS

ART ATTAAAAAAAACK

Oh and to obviously see Neil rock out hard on his sweet axe.

I'm sure the question on everyone's lips is, what's gonna happen next in the world of children's television?

My prediction is Lizo Mzimba and Ortiz Deley will revive the mid - 90s garage scene and raise it on to a global scale.

Album Review: Best Coast: Crazy For You

Unless you've been living under a giant neek infested rock this summer, then you will be fully aware that this is the UK's summer of chill. America had their turn last year and now its ours. The good news is last year they weren't treated to the lo fi girl fronted band of the solstice: Best Coast. Bethany Costenino's awesome surfy chill sungaze 60s throwback beach pop has brightened even the grey gloom that surrounds Birmingham.

There should be a rule on Low -Fi - only do it if you have the tunes to pull it off. Bethany's boyfriend, who is the lead singer of Wavves, has attempted to make a fuzzy surf pop in a similar vein and failed like the douche he is. This is because the music is boring and generic. If it weren't for the Lo Fi production, the music wouldn't be lapped up by the hipsters. Best Coast, on the other hand, have given Wavves an indication of how to do it properly. Anyway, enough deviating, lets get to brass tacks. For those who don't know anything about Best Coast, here's some cheeky facts that will bring you up to speed.

1. Lead singer Bethany is a MASSIVE cat lover. Her own mog, named 'Snacks', features on the front cover of the album and even has his own twitter account so she can talk to him whilst they're on tour. Look out for him, he's rumoured to be starring in an up-to-date remake of Homeward Bound.

2. She loves to throw down the chill with a big bag o' weed. You may be like so what bro, So do I. Yes but can you write super awesome songs about tokin' up? If so, then kudos.

3. Her bassist and all round multi instrumentalist, Bob Bruno, was Beth's babysitter as a kid. That's kinda weird. Like when she was 8 was he like "yo Beth do you think Dinosaur Jr's 'Yr living all over me' is one of the best guitar albums out there at the moment? Oh you do? Sweet lets make a band when yr like 22".

4. Beth is a massive fan of Elaine Benes from Seinfeld. This is my favourite fact because A) Seinfeld is awesome and B) She has a Seinfield tat. Thats a committed bro.

Anyways, it is safe to claim that 'Crazy For You" is a delight. Of course, if you're looking for the most creative album this year then this really isn't for you but if you want some warm melodies and fuzzy Lo Fi licks to chill down to on a warm summers eve whilst hitting the bong then this is the perfect accompaniment. If you want to look further, the album is about longing for a lover. The opening track, "Boyfriend" is Bethany telling her love interest how much she wants him. As the album progresses we see her discuss how much her boyf is being a jerkhole. "Our Deal" demonstrates this as she complains, "you take all my money, you take all my weed". Her BF is not the only object of love however, as "Summer Mood" has Beth crooning in rhythmic pulses "there's something about the summer."

A fair assessment of the album is that it is carried by Costeninos' musicianship and vocal arrangement. Obviously I'm sure the rest of the band keep a tight ship when their playing live but ultimately, this is her album. If you want some honesty in your surfgaze pop this summer, then pick this up, put it on and toke some down.

A bit like our friend Snacks here:

Film Review of film directed by Fred Durst = Whole perception of life changed.

A day or two ago a friend jokingly told me that a few years ago Fred Durst had directed a film.

And when I say Fred Durst, I'm obviously talking about this guy:

However, it seems he is a changed bro. This is my story.

I looked the movie up on wiki which alerted me that Durst's film had managed to achieve a award for its narrative structure. Flabbergasted, I thought, I gots to watch this - even just to have a mad crease about it. What I saw though, changed my whole perception on what's right and wrong. Maybe Nu Metal/ Rap Metal wasn't that lame after all. Maybe we just weren't ready for its forward thinking nature. Maybe Fred Durst is just above us all.

The film in question is a period piece set in the late 70s/early 80s entitled "The Education of Charlie Banks" and stars everyone's favourite awkward jewish teenager. Wait, not Michael Cera, I'm talking about Jesse Eisenberg. You know, the guy that stars in all them films that end in 'land' where he plays a retarded love sick dweeb but seemingly, in the dénouement, manages to tap the hottest babe in the film. The plot revolves around the eponymous Charlie Banks - a nerdy New Yorker who along with his best bro Danny, are intrigued by the local Manhattan hard kid, named Mick. At a party, he witnesses Mick savagely beat the shit out of two jocks in one go which blates gives him a little quarter chub. Following this, he calls the police and delivers a statement but later withdraws it. From hence forth he keeps his head down, does his studies and manages to make it to a sweet college regretting the whole affair. After what seems like the perfect getaway, one day Charlie finds Mick in his dorm who is paying a visit to Danny. The problem lies in whether Mick knows that it was Charlie who called the police at the party that night and also if Mick still has the famous violent temper that made him so infamous back in NYC.

I tried my utmost best to dislike the film, I really did, but as it unfurled it became more and more intriguing. The character of Mick reminded me of all the intimidating people that had some unspoken power over me at times in my life. They managed to capture it so well as Eisenberg's character submitted to his every demand. The college students that Charlie Banks befriends reminded me of all the rich people who go to my university with no concept of money. Maybe this was a film about me (except I cant really pull off the whole 'neurotic Jew' shtick very well).

The direction of Durst seemed pretty solid, especially considering it was his first (and possibly only) feature and the acting was impressive from all those in main roles. Deep down too, it isn't just a drama about growing up and moving on whilst being nostalgic about the past. Its examines the class divide in America with also focus on the young middle class and their aversion to being considered 'well off'. As Charlie's friend Danny remarks in a thick New York accent, "Hey, I'm not rich! My parents are."

As a result, this has led me to question what the fuck is going on. Fred Durst makes a film that is decent. What next? KoRn win the Pulitzer prize in fiction for a novel that tackles the problems within the middle east with tact and grace? Or maybe Chad Kroeger will win the Turner prize for a conceptual art structure that is subtly about the struggle of the homosexual in Uganda. Who knows? I don't but maybe I won't shudder any more when I hear someone playing hits from 'chocolate starfish and the hot dog flavoured water'.

Joyous News: Film to be set in Kings Heath

After last years grime-musical '1Day' which aided the already negative views of Birmingham even further, it seemed as if Birmingham would never be able to claw its way out of the industrialised image it has obtained over decades. Adding to this, over the years, whenever a piece of media media wants to portray a unintelligent character they use a Brummie accent to put this across. The new subway sandwich advert, for example, implements a Birmingham speaker when they make clear that they don't need a flashy voice over to sell their meals. Surely this shouldn't be happening to our second city?

Fear not, it seems another film is being set in Birmingham (WOW that's almost two in two years) and whats more there's a scene filmed at everybody's favourite newly refurbished establishment, The Hare and Hounds!

WOWZA! Its soooOoooOOooooo gonna put Kings Heath on the map and become CHILL BRO central (UK edition)

Here's a clip of them in rehearsals for the film:




I'm hoping the guy in the lame white shades is being ironic otherwise it would be more appropriate if the film was titled "graduate neeks go wild in Brum".

The film however is called 'Turbulence' which again could be bordering on irony as Turbulent this film looks not.

A question should be raised here as to why another musical is being set in Birms. Is it because our accents are so melodious that it is the perfect setting for a sing-along? If so why weren't Grease or Glee set here? That would have been outta control. Well in a jokey 'this is still shit' kinda way. Oh well.

The film could be a sweet success, who knows?


What would Nick Owen say?

He'd probably say "this is gon' put Brummingam on the tha map, yo" or something to that effect.













We'll just have to wait to see if yet another piece of media shits on Birmingham.

Now watch this

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xCAWd9GEoRE&t=826#t=08m26s

Film Review: Toy Story 3

Upon the release of 2006's 'Cars', there was a certain degree of worry amongst Pixar fans that the company would churn out a miss or two from time to time. This would be a worry if it were a truism as anyone who has seen 'Up' will tell you, it was one of the most emotive films ever put to screen. A few deep breaths were needed in the first five minutes to ensure I wouldnt well up like the chubby middle aged (apparently self aware) man that was sitting in the row in front. Weirdly still, the children in the cinema were just chilling back enjoying the nice 3D images and not really taking in the story of a love lost coupled with the concept of ageing alone. Oh lard. In a similar vein, I find it weird that the Toy Story franchise that consists of characters in the form of animated toys can bring out my sentimental sensibilities. This could be an explanation as to why the series thus far has been so successful.

The third instalment begins with a now 17 year old Andy who's primary focus is preparing for college and not playing with his toys. Things go from bad to worse when his mother mistakenly takes them to 'Sunnyside Daycare' - a nursery where owner-less toys go to retire. Andy's toys appear to have a warm welcome with an old timer Teddy bear 'Lotso' moving them into the playroom that has the youngest children. It all seems too perfect until they soon discover that there is a nazi-esque hierarchy controlling everyone but those at the top of the pile.


Upon joining the disgustingly evil Disney corporation, Pixar demanded that they would only agree to make sequels if the storyline was exceptional and not just a cash-in that would ruin its reputation. The good news is, it is a great sequel and a perfect ending to the series.

The new characters such as Lotso (Ned Beatty), a Ken doll (Michael Keaton) who repeatedly reiterates that he is not a girls toy and an English (classically trained) stuffed hedgehog (Timothy Dalton) are just a few of the new faces that appear in the film. The brilliance of Pixar adding new additions to the plot are that that they are are fully formed without detracting from the characters we have grown up to love.

The plot is fresh and exciting with laughs aplenty - Buzz Lightyear's Latino turn is definitely a key moment of hilarity. Conversely, the penultimate scene moves into more a darker territory, where the setting is of a hellish metal incinerator. I don't know how Pixar do it, even if Daniel Day Lewis was replaced in the scene, I doubt it would have conjured such emotion in the audience.

Toy Story 3 is a triumph in animated film making and a sensational way to end it all. Each scene is delicately detailed and looks astonishing (take note James Cameron you waste of time and money). The plot is focussed and doesn't cheapen itself with lame gags (take note James Cameron) and is definitely one of this years most thoroughly enjoyable films (again, take note James Cameron).

Film Review: Splice

There comes a time in a individual's life when one must conduct oneself's manner where it will be beneficial to a group. I believe John Stuart Mill touched upon this when he sorta came up with Utilitarianism. However, not even Mill could have foreseen the horror that is the recently released Sci Fi non epic, ‘Splice’.

The initial plan was to see Toy Story 3. The first two were sweet and the final would pretty much round up my adolescence and allow me to begin my progression into manhood. However a member of the party had already seen it and begged us not to go. Being the kind hearted bro I am. I decided to give him the benefit of the doubt as Academy Award winner Adrien “awesome nose” Brody was in it. How bad could this film be?

In short: fuckin’ shit.

I waltzed into the cinema with a tray of nachos and an air of appreciation for Brody’s contribution to The Darjeeling Limited. As always the Cineworld staff seemed to be a bit unrelentingly tight-fisted with the amount of salsa that they administered. On any other night that would be a bad thing. However the opening scene consisted of a large organism that wriggled around like an autonomous ball bag. The beast named ‘Ginger’ then began to commence some bizarre courtship with it’s male equivalent - I should have known this film was not gonna be nacho friendly.

These organisms had been spliced together from different types of animal DNA. Hence the title. LOL. The culprits playing God here are allegedly supposed to be rockstar scientists and are more then just some crusty bio-chemists that examine sheep shit. So cool, in fact, they feature on the front cover of ‘Wired’ magazine and Brody, who surprisingly plays the lead male scientist, wears sweet indie waist-coasts, plays cheese metal in his lab and occasionally gives the ‘horn’ gesture to his other rock’n’roll lovin’ colleagues. All this sounds pretty rad? Sure, maybe ten years ago when I liked Limp Bizkit.

The film descends into madness from here on in. The female lead, played by a budget Julianne Moore, uses her own DNA (illegally) and splices it with other animals to create a super organism. The claim is it could benefit the human race and end diseases. After a while, the creature begins to look more and more human if you ignore the Minotaur style bottom half, the far apart and bulbous eyes, long tail that has a sharp prick that protrudes from the end and of course, wings. Following that a sexual tension begins to develop between her and Brody but he wouldn’t ever agree to a sex scene with an adolescent CGI creature, surely?

Oh gosh, yes he does. Probably one of the most horrific scenes put to screen by man.

Presumably, at the glitzy premier, Brody brought with him his salary that he earnt to ‘act’ in Splice in a snazzy briefcase and counted his cash during the film so he didn’t have to witness the horror of what his career has become. I think he probably sped up his number crunching during the pivotal sex scene through a wincing face.

The best moment of the film is of course when he obviously gets caught by his lover/scientific partner: the smart price version of Julianne Moore. Seeing as her DNA is in the creature, he could have at least said that he was attracted to that side of the animal but really, deep down, she knows he just really wanted to bone a bald chick.

I will not spoil the ending as the ending spoils itself. Download it for a laugh, do not pay for it. If ever there is a discrepancy over seeing a sweet Pixar film involving toys that come alive with jovial consequences and some freaky half baked, badly acted Sci Fi cheesefest, I like to think most would make the right judgement.