Un-joyous News: English Defence League run amok in Leicester

The centre right may have caused discontent across the country, this week, after they announced a set of ridiculous spending cuts at their conference in Birmingham, but today the far right tragically succeeded in doing what they love best. This was of course pretending that it was match day which entailed: getting pissed whilst being as anti social as possible and of course, shouting racist chants to the tune of their favourite football club's anthems. In their loutish minds, they have been the victors today which worries me somewhat as their numbers are increasing and they seem to be getting more organised.

Usually a load of unchill racists wouldn't be awarded my attention but, on the streets of the city that brought you Walkers (in every colour, flavour and creed I might add which makes me totally sure that Walkers' ideologies are not synonymous with those of the EDL), the bigoted anti-Islam group were a thousand strong. Due to this high number of rampant misfits, the BBC noted that today held the record for the "biggest police operation in the country for 25 years".

Within hours, videos of the event began sprouting up on You Tube with many showing violence that ensued which included rocks, debris and smoke bombs being thrown at the police, footage of a SKY News van being primitively attacked, Asian youths being singled out and attacked by pockets of EDL members but most shockingly, the police driving away from areas that required assistance.

The following video involves the leader of the EDL delivering a preposterous speech at today's demo whereby he asserts that if a pregnant woman committed a crime, she wouldn't be arrested if she happened to be Muslim.

It's amusing that in the video the EDL's leader, Tommy Robinson, swiftly makes his illogical and unfounded point about pregnant Muslim women whilst avoiding the fact that his stupid pregnant wife committed a cheeky bit of money laundering, which to my knowledge is a crime, and was presumptively the reason why she was arrested. I would also like to note that I found that video after stupidly misspelling the word 'Leicester'. Oh yes, and it wasn't just one EDL video that had misspelled the name of the multicultural haven that is Leicester, there were loads - all with that particular spelling mistake. I mean sure, yes, I did spell it wrong myself, but at the time my attention was taken away from the computer screen as I was too busy getting blown away by Wagner's breathtakingly majestic performance of Ricky Martin's She Bangs on the X Factor. It's a Saturday for fucks sake.

The EDL are probably celebrating their 'victory' tonight with lashings of lager and, as comic Stewart Lee would assert, probably blaming the steadily increasing prices of Stella Artois somehow on Muslims and probably the queue for the toilet was their fault too... and maybe also the reason why the barmaid's in the pub wont take part in their attempted assimilation of their top five least favoured ethnicities which are backed up by out of date stereotypes that even your grandma doesn't believe any more.

However, if there's one thing to be said about the EDL, they know how to utilize Window's Moviemaker (the free one with every windows computer):

The madness of the EDL's demonstrations may be over for a while and hopefully peace has been restored to the crisp munchers of Leicester. I think if I was trying to get over the troubles that badgered the city today, I'd be in a bit of a Smoky Bacon mood right now. Y'know something a bit stronger then a standard Cheese and Onion or Ready Salted to take the edge off. Having said this, I suppose, if one were trying to make a point, one might even be so bold as to showing that the EDL turning up to their town hasn't effected them by going for cool bag of Prawn Cocktail. Yeh, you heard right English Defence league, a grab size bag of Prawn Cocktail. As for me, I dont give a fuck, I'd fucking yam down on some Worcester sauce flavoured French Fries (also made by the Walkers company) and I'd chew them up right in front of their expressionless faces.

But if we can be serious for a moment, the recent ties with America's equivalent organizations are a definite concern at the moment; the more cautious racist group known as the Tea party could be a strong asset to the EDL as they might teach our Brit extremists ways of concealing their overt far right stance, perhaps by showing them the art of masking language to be more subtly racist as opposed to their outright bigotry.

Going by what was on show today, its clear that the EDL are starting to get a bit more serious about being racist and thuggish. As labour MP Jon Cruddas noted in The Guardian this evening:

"The right has become very organised; it is time for those of us who believe in a decent progressive society to do the same".

Amen, bro.

Film Review: The Town

In 2007, I finally forgave Ben Affleck for his contribution to the special effects driven shitfest that was Michael Bay's Pearl Harbour. Why you ask? Well, because he directed one of the best films of that year, Gone Baby Gone - a film that not only raised a lot of moral predicaments within my mind but also showcased Ben's bro, Casey, who seemed like he was capable of big things in the acting world. If we fast forward to present day, this time Affleck has placed himself in the lead role of his latest directing effort in the form of a heist thriller set in his hometown, Boston.

From its inception, the viewer is dropped right in the middle of four seemingly expert bank robbers fronted by Doug McCray (Affleck). In a mad panic, the group take bank manager Claire Keesey (Rebecca Hall) hostage, leaving her unharmed on a pebbly beach. Problems arise when McCray falls for Keesey after he is told to keep a watchful eye on her, seeing as she unluckily happens to live in the same neighbourhood as the robbers. As romance blossoms, the life of crime that McCray is so used to is put into question. However, moving on isn't so easy as his menacing boss, who is masquerading as a local florist, Fergie Colm (Pete Postlethwaite) wants him to pull off one last big job or else he and his new beau will be whacked.

What I enjoy about Ben Affleck now is that he has come to live by a very simple rule: write about what you know. Of course, I'm not insinuating that Affleck has taken part in bank robberies and is a straight up Boston thug, but the guy understands his former community well, which adds a much needed dash of realism to twenty-first century film making. This must have aided his actors such as Jeremy Renner from the magnificent Hurt Locker as a ruthless member of a bank robbing team who pulls off a convincing Boston slur with great ease. Alongside this, Affleck's knowledge of the layout and scenery of the city has allowed him to create amazing set pieces of fast paced action as well as complimenting this with exposing the uniqueness of the place he grew up in with beautiful shots and aerial camera sweeps which were also very much evident in his debut feature.

The Town may not have the emotional and ethical depth of Gone Baby Gone but it is a solid thriller set in a location that obviously means a great deal to Affleck. Because of this, he brings out the vibrancy of Boston which, I hope, will make Boston a new optional location for film-makers instead of the obvious New York or LA settings. And if you don't agree, you can, as many Bostonians would say, "go fuck yourself".

Film Review: The Room

In 2003, a man named Tommy Wiseau managed to accumulate six million dollars (which wikipedia alleges that was gathered from selling leather jackets that he had imported from South Korea) and with this, managed to produce, direct, write and star in the modern cult drama 'The Room'. However, this film did not gain a following in the same way the brilliant Kevin Smith's Clerks or Harmony Korine's Kids managed to. It was because it was that it is so inextricably bad that it has been referred to as the "Citizen Kane of bad movies".

It is obvious that Wiseau made The Room in an effort to showcase his err acting ability which is so poor makes Nicholas Cage's contribution to the remake of The Wicker Man Oscar worthy. Any scene that includes Wiseau open his mouth is absolutely hysterical and what makes the film all the more hilarious is how unaware Wiseau is of this fact. In an interview he was asked what he thought about people finding his attempted melodrama so humorous and alleged that he meant for it to be a "black comedy." However a black comedy implies a comedy that addresses taboo or uncomfortable subjects with an underlying satirical tone which is definitely not what is presented to the audience in The Room.

The following scene is an awesome example of a Wiseau's acting calibre:

The film has amassed fans in Hollywood such as Jonah Hill, 30 Rock bad-boy Alec Baldwin and even Pixies front-man Frank Black with reports that many stars enjoy acting out scenes from the film such as:

The film even without Wiseau's acting is a complete and utter mess. Many issues are raised and never addressed again such as a character revealing she has breast cancer without another mention of it during the remaining picture. In a similar vein, a new character is introduced twenty minutes before the sensational denouement and, even though seems to be the voice of reason, isn't even awarded a name. Wiseau's screenplay, too, is so amazingly bad that at times that the utterances make no sense whatsoever and the characters always start conversations with the iconic line "Oh Hi". Adding to this, a lot of the film is heavily dubbed.

Here's a prime example:

(this is perhaps the best thing ever put to screen)

If you haven't heard of The Room, you are seriously missing out. In LA, it is a cult sensation with special midnight screening's every month in the city which are always sold out. The only thing you should be doing right now is downloading it, then watching it and then getting a petition together to get it played in your local cinema because you will love it so much.

In short: you HAVE to see this film.

"Oh Hi! Tommy Wiseau"

Unsubstantiated Views: The Jam Rags guide to Reading Festival

As many people get ready to set off for Reading (and to a lamer extent Leeds), the thoughts of most music lovers should be of who will be this years victor at the festival. V Festival, which managed to cram as much shit artists into one place as possible, has ended and the final landmark UK festival is soon approaching and to be honest, it has some possible treats.

When I say treats, I mean like if there was a giant pile of shit and I sifted through it, now and again I might find a few pieces of gold here and there. Anyway, lets get down to brass tacks, who is gonna smash the granny out of Reading? Here are my thoughts....

As GCSE results time is approaching, its inevitable that the festival will be ridden by newly qualified tweens. Sadly this means that the christian crust outfit Paramore will gather a large crowd and the band might convince themselves that they are loved in the UK - this cannot happen. However, this could also mean that the little kids might have rifled through their moms punk pop stash and might feel a little bad ass when Weezer and Blink come on.

"hey yo, how do you know all the wordz to these Blink songs?"

"my mom was a mad fan in her youth"

I kinda feel old thinking about bands that are playing Reading that I used to listen to when I was 14. Here's my nostalgic band run down:

6. Guns N Roses

I briefly liked Guns N Roses when I was about 13 and soon learnt to hate them. Axel Roses' Bigotted lyrics that included attacks on African Americans was an interesting point in their career seeing as guitarist Slash is half black. This may have been the reason I started disliking them, or maybe it was because THEY'RE A MASSIVE PILE OF CHEESY WANK. I would maybe perhaps watch them at the mash potato stand whilst munching down on some over priced but delicious mash and sausage but I certainly wouldn't venture into the crowd.

5.Cypress Hill

I quite liked Cypress Hill until they jumped on the rap metal band wagon. I would definitely watch though however, just for their stoner classic 'hits from the bong'. I would probably blaze a fatty at this point whilst doing some bad boy early 90s hip hop dancing.

4. Limp Bizkit

Upon buying the multi platinum selling 'chocolate starfish and the hot dog flavoured water' I was like "yo, just cos I like rock music doesn't mean I'm a pussy" and it went from there really. At the time, I thought the Limp Bizkit were the bees knees, I couldn't get enough of their rap metal vibes. A pivotal moment in my early years was buying a red Major League Baseball hat and wearing it back to front. At a Christian retreat that are lame Roman Catholic school made us go to, a friend and I performed Rollin' which, of course, included the dance moves. The live act should be a trip down a lane of Rapcore memories. I just hope women aren't raped like at their legendary show at Woodstock in 1999. Maybe these bros will show up:

3.The Libertines

This is a little bit after my early teens. I think was 15 when I started listening to them. Lets be honest, they were a breath of fresh air when they first came out. However, after witnessing what the neeks have done to the band in 'indie clubz', I can only imagine that The Libertines' set will be an absolute lad fest. Picture the scene: Fred perry polo tops, hair gelled to foreheads/ The Paul weller/ The Ian Brown and not to mention pints being thrown all over the shop like they've forgotten that they've paid a fiver for them. Having said this, the band were famed for their live performances so maybe they'll put on a cracking show. And lets not forget drummer Gary Powell is from big bad Birmingham.

OH HI NEEK

2. Weezer: I have to say they are a band who will always have a place in my emo heart. They were the original pop emo act. The Green album and Pinkerton, in my eyes, are definite classics that moved me on to the sweet sounds of such bands as Pavement. The problem that lies here is that they're new stuff has gone from worse to naff but if Rivers Cuomo is being ironic then I'll definitely believe/forgive him. If the band stay heavy on their pre pinkerton and light on anything after, they will blow the place apart.

1. Blink 182

The band that turned me on to guitar driven music. Well, I forget whether it was them or The Offspring but for a few years, they were a big part in my life. I assume they've been practising hard for their comeback shows with Travis Barker keeping them in check and lets hope Tom Delonge has left his pedal board that he used for Angels and Airwaves at home and if so, they should be an absolute treat in terms of nostalgia. The Weezer/Blink combo meal is enough to give any Alt Bro a sentimental boner but its such a shame that my bros will have to stand through an hour of Paramore. I feel for you guys, especially this chick:

She just wants to rock out to some punk pop vibes and doesn't want any weak Paramore shit thrust at her.

Now you've know the score, here are The official Jam Rags bands to look out for this following weekend:

Modest Mouse - Obvs

LCD Soundsystem - Clashes with GnR. LOL

Girls - Absolutely delicious beach pop vibes coming straight from San Fran.

Harlem - Again some nice surfy pop licks to throw down a mad chill to.

Wild Beasts - Yeh, you heard right a good band that come from Cumbria! Has to be seen to be believed.

Surfer Blood - Surfy delights with a lot of reverb. OK, sounds good, why not?

Four Tet - I don't really have to say why you should see him. If you don't wanna see him you may as well shove your head in a toilet.

Fools Gold - Some nice Afrobeat influenced tunes.

Phoenix - French pop is usually on point

Angelos Epithemious - not a singer or a band but you must be craving to know what is in his bag, the bastard.

Not to mention The ARCADE FIREs who are bound to blow all of the crowd's balls off with their epic sounds.

ALSO, here are some Neek hotspots to steer clear of:

Dizzee Rascal

Im starting to wonder what Dizzee Rascal wont do for some money. He is now part of an X Factor clone called 'Must be the Music' and judges hopefuls alongside Elfman Jamie Cullum and surely soon to come out of the closet, Sharleen Spiteri of Texas fame. After he joined forces with Calvin Harris I knew things weren't gonna get any better. He also seems to attract posh neeks who are like 'yar, I love dizzee, he's like so safe." VOM

Mumford and Sons

The Watered down indie folk is making its way to Reading and with it, neeks will flock. I'm guessing this will also be a tween hotspot cos Marcus Mumford is like so hot with his sweet tash and earnest lyrics. The lads will also make an appearance as they've found something that they can sing along to whilst holding a premium lager - a bit like an folk oasis.

Klaxons

Honestly, what self respecting person would choose Klaxons over Blink? Seriously, who's still vibing to 'nu rave?'. NEEKS is the only answer I could come up with.

Hadouken!

LOL is all I can say. What the fuck are they still doing on a line ups? Surely people have learnt their lesson when they've jokingly put them on at a party and was pelted with shit. Unless you are going to the main stage to pelt the band with shit, then there really shouldn't be anyone there. If there is anyone actually there to see them, then they need to be pelted with shit.

Rusko

"Yeh man I'm so into Dubstep, Its so sick." (in a Surrey accent). The neeks love him because they're four years behind in any type of music. Avoid at all costs unless you like generic shite beatz.

Marina and the Diamonds

Really? Do we need ANOTHER shit female indie act? We were given Flo Flo and that was enough. Then we were handed La Roux, Ellie Goulding and now Marina and the Diamonds. Awful and Cringe-worthy are the two adjectives I would use to describe their act. Seriously, where the fuck is Best Coast at? We need Bethany to teach those bitches how to roll.

So there you have it: the Jam Rags guide to Reading Festival.

Remember to throw down a mad chill as much as possible, don't trample over the tweens on your way to Weezer/Blink and avoid a neek bashing when you're spouting hurtful things about the band 'One Night Only'.

Music Review: Arcade Fire

It's probably not the best idea reviewing a live act that I watched on my computer. However upon finding out that Arcade Fire were transmitting a live broadcast which would include tracks from their new album "The Suburbs", I thought it best that I throw down the chill and watch it in bed. Another factor that made it essential viewing was that my boy Terry Gilliam was directed the concert. How could I resist?

The show started at about 3.15 am GMT which wasn't perfect for us Anglais bros but hey, I was awake so I'm not complaining. The band kicked in the with, their soon to be universally adored, 'Ready To Start' which I'm not gonna lie, blew my ballsac off. Arcade Fire were literally in flames and brimming with energy. After a cheeky safety number with Neighbourhood#2 (Laika), lead singer Win Butler kinda made feel a bit sad as he said to the crowd, "lets show them what they're fucking missing" which he made in reference to all the cyber bros watching in their pants.

The band then continued to burst through tracks from their earlier albums which were interspersed with flourishes of their latest. The stand out track of the night could arguably be "Rococo" which created a chill atmosphere amongst the audience who stood enamoured. The Quebecian outfit (which explains why that crazy (unchill) lady sings sometimes in French) ended the night on the colossal 'Wake Up". The irony was not lost on me as after this finished, I fell to sleep.

Here's a taste of what you missed:

TV Review: Poochinski

There comes a time when oneself acknowledges ultimate brilliance and creativity. Yesterday I witnessed a trailer for a Pilot show that never made it onto our screens. From what I saw of the show, entitled "poochinski", it displayed raw emotion in dealing with the show's avant garde scenario and also touching humour. In addition it delivered the best lines of script ever written for any screenplay put on television:

"You're a dog!"

"I'm a cop!"

Just watch this in all its awe inspiring brilliance:

News Update: You can watch the pilot in all its entirety on youtube!

Joyous News: Neil Buchanan Returns!

In 2009, a band named Marseilles revealed they were to reform and were working on new material. This would be the moment that changed the lives of the nation forever. Unbeknown to the millions who watched him on the hit BBC Children's show Art Attack, it later became clear that its former host Neil "badass" Buchanan was the lead axeman for the band.

He went from this:

To this:

I do find it a bid odd though that they are named after a cultured south eastern city of France. Anyway, all the information you need about Neil and his super cool and in no way LAME band is right here:

I like how the lead singer thinks the band are here to see him even though they're blates there to chant

THIS IS AN ART ATTACK

THIS IS AN ART ATTACK

THIS

IS

ART ATTAAAAAAAACK

Oh and to obviously see Neil rock out hard on his sweet axe.

I'm sure the question on everyone's lips is, what's gonna happen next in the world of children's television?

My prediction is Lizo Mzimba and Ortiz Deley will revive the mid - 90s garage scene and raise it on to a global scale.